Sometimes on advertisements or billboards it is common to see the following picture: parents sad or even crying, and a child standing next to them comforts them, saying: "Everything will be fine." Such a scene can take place in a hospital, although it doesn't have to. It can take place at home, in a park, in a store. How do we most often react to a similar sight? "Oh, what a strong baby!". "How good!" We cheer up, praise such a "brave" attitude.
And we can't do anything worse.
What do we really praise a child for? For the strength that a parent should display. Of course, if such a scene takes place once, there is nothing wrong with it. Everyone can have a moment of weakness, in which a hugging child is a real comfort. However, if this scene also translates into other activities or duties and is repeated, then the roles are reversed. The child becomes his parent's parent. This phenomenon is what is known as parentification. It does not, of course, manifest itself only in comforting the parent. Various age-unsuitable responsibilities can be thrown at the child: taking care of siblings, cleaning the whole house, contributing to the household budget, the role of mom/dad's confessor, the role of judge in parental disputes, the confidant of one caregiver's secrets. Parents may behave immaturely, irresponsibly, they may be immersed in alcohol addiction or spend their days and nights at work. As you can see, the spectrum is wide and limited only by parental imagination. What is the danger of this? After all, a strong child can cope with all the problems that lurk in the adult world. A "titanic child" becomes a titan. And such a titan knows that everyone can rely on him, that he will meet every effort and task. He will stay after hours at work, lift his friends' spirits, be a support for his parents and a refuge for his partner, take care of his friends' dog on vacation, always lend money. However, who will be the titan's comforter?
Parentified children fall into the trap of always being strong, of always being the best. Thus, they can't allow themselves a moment of weakness, because, after all, others will surely need their help. For the rest, no one ever praised them for weakness, only for strength. So they will show it always and everywhere. However, they themselves will feel lonely, misunderstood. Because no one really knows them. Often including themselves. They only know themselves a titan. They don't know who they are in moments of weakness, human moments. Titans live in constant tension, waiting to see if they accidentally need to support someone in something. They have a problem with "disconnecting" from their parents, both mentally and often physically (they live nearby), after all, they may need to drive over to them, provide quick help. They often have trouble defining their emotions, they cut themselves off. They may resent their friends for not understanding them, their parents for overloading them with responsibilities, their partner for not helping them, or finally themselves for not being able to handle everything. However, they will not express it, even to themselves. The titan does not feel regret or weakness.
Childhood is supposed to be childhood. A man is supposed to be a man. Let the titans remain only in myths. A child may have responsibilities, but appropriate to his age, an adult is to be responsible, but not for the affairs of the whole world. Everyone has the right to his private happiness and self-satisfaction. When we feel that the titanium begins to crack and panic about it, it may be worth going to a therapist. Especially since very often parentified children choose this very profession. Who best to help in the fight against the titan than someone who has overcome it himself?
Author: Martyna Wrona - Marchel, psychologist
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Martyna Wrona-Marchel
Psychologist, Psychotherapist in training, Cognitive-Behavioral Psychotherapist (CBT),
To arrange an appointment with this doctor, please contact us by phone at 22 24 12 444 or by e-mail at kontakt@cpp.pl