How often in the past month have you been really pissed off? Many people will answer that it's hard to count - very often, maybe even every day. Lately, I've been getting more and more questions about how to deal with my own negative emotions, as well as in cooperation and relationships with people who have a big problem with controlling their emotions. Uncontrolled outbursts of anger have a negative impact not only on themselves, but also on the well-being and psyche of their immediate environment.
Anger is not a bad thing, it is a natural emotion. Controlling anger does not mean avoiding or suppressing it, but recognizing the causes of anger and dealing with it effectively.
Anger is one of the six basic emotions, but likely has the worst reputation among them. Feeling anger from time to time is normal and healthy. It is a natural response to feeling threatened - it usually arises when we encounter an obstacle to achieving goals that are important to us, are treated unfairly or ignored. In a crisis situation, anger gives us strength and motivates us to fight or flee.
Anger is a natural emotion, and talking about it and showing it is a valuable skill.
..
Through socialization, we learn to suppress negative emotions in the belief that this is a way to control them. However, in the long run, controlling our emotions is only possible if we recognize them, are able to name them and express them in an appropriate way. However, when we notice or receive signals from our surroundings that our anger is inappropriate to the situation, has a negative impact on our functioning and relationships, it is worth working on it.
Frequent and uncontrollable emotional outbursts have a destabilizing effect on our psychophysical state.
Negative consequences can include muscle pain, inflammation formation, tension headaches, increased risk of hypertension and cardiovascular problems, among others.
Anger is a source of valuable information about ourselves. What, when and to what extent we are upset says a lot about our needs, expectations, sense of control and self-acceptance.
Anxiety can be a warning sign of danger, insecurity or overstepping our boundaries.
. Being able to read the first signs of anger makes it easier to identify our goals, boundaries and values. The problem for "angry people" is usually the inability to properly assess both the intensity of their emotions and the impact of their behavior on their own functioning and relationships with those around them. A warning signal that the frequency and manner of anger expression is abnormal is usually information from family, friends or co-workers. It is important to pay attention to whether we are most often quick to get angry in routine daily situations (e.g. traffic jams on the road, crowding, minor mistakes by others), constantly feel upset, have trouble calming down or are not understanding of ourselves or others. It's also worth assessing the damage that outbursts of anger do to our lives - do they significantly worsen our relationships, do we feel guilty about our lack of control over our emotions (what we said to someone, how we behaved), do others avoid contact with us?
If one becomes aware of a problem with controlling negative emotions, the worst solution is to deny and suppress them. Ignoring one's feelings does not bring one any closer to solving the problem; moreover, anger builds up and can cause passive-aggressive behavior. Suppressing emotions can lead to depression or otherwise negatively affect our mental health. Many guidebooks advise de-stressing accumulated angry energy (
catharsis
) by some physical activity or exertion to reduce the likelihood of engaging in aggressive behavior in the future.
An interesting phenomenon in recent years is the emergence, also in Poland, of so-called Rooms of Fury.
(English.
rage/anger rooms
), where, usually during a half-hour session, emotions can be discharged unhindered - in an appropriately decorated room, we have a hammer, baseball bat, telescopic baton or crowbar with which to hit a dummy or various equipment. Such de-escalation strategies can bring short-term relief by reducing the tension accompanying anger, but they will not effectively solve problems with emotion control.
Effective control of anger does not mean that we will not feel it, but we will develop ways to counteract its causes and express our feelings..
According to psychologists who study anger issues, such ways include:
Assertive communication
It is especially helpful in communicating with people who are the cause of our anger. In such situations, our words are of great importance - we should use I-messages and express our feelings directly (e.g.
I am sorry/feel disappointed when you once again fail to keep your promises/deadlines
) instead of blaming someone (don't say, for example.
You are hopeless, you can never be counted on
). Open communication in nervous or stressful situations maintains good relationships and facilitates joint problem solving.
Turning into a joke
When the cause of our negative emotions are situations not related to interpersonal relations and at least the so-called malice of inanimate objects (e.g. computer crashes) or bad weather, a sense of humor helps. Turning a stressful situation into a joke allows a momentary distance and reflection on how to get out of the problem instead of just giving vent to your anger.
Change of attitude
Often the reason for negative emotions is our unrealistic expectations, if only about how other people "should" act. It is worth realizing to what extent our hopes and wishes have a chance of coming true. Instead of getting angry over the same thing over and over again, maybe it's finally time to accept that someone is doing something or behaving differently from us. If, on the other hand, this type of behavior is hindering our goals, open and assertive communication will come in handy.
Relaxation
There are many techniques to reduce stress levels - such as breathing exercises, progressive muscle relaxation using the Jacobson method, visualization, yoga, meditation, mindfulness training. Relaxation techniques will help alleviate negative emotions in the moment, while when used regularly, they will help reduce their intensity in situations that most often contribute to them.
Acceptance
Often the reasons for anger are situations over which we have no control at all, e.g. weather, traffic jams, politics. We can get over them, admit that things don't always go our way and keep our distance. But what if trying to work on negative emotions on our own doesn't work? When we realize that we can't control our behavior, even though it brings us easily predictable and serious harm (for example, once again we can't stop ourselves from shouting words to a loved one that will hurt him or her, or telling a client what we think of his expectations, even though this may end up in us losing our jobs), it's worthwhile to seek the help of a specialist or, if necessary, undergo psychotherapy. Working with a psychologist will help to better analyze our behavior, the causes of negative emotions and will improve our interpersonal relationships and the quality of our daily life in the long run. author:
Psychologist, career counselor, crisis intervener, coach, trainer
Usable sources of information:.
"Overcoming Destructive Anger: Strategies That Work" - Dr. Bernard Golden
American Psychological Association - https://www.apa.org/
Institute of Health Psychology - https://www.psychologia.edu.pl/
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