Couples therapy
Couples therapy - what does it look like?
Couples therapy is a space where partners can calmly look at their relationship with the help of an impartial professional. Meetings are held together - the therapist makes sure that each party is heard and has the opportunity to express their point of view. In the very first sessions, the couple has the opportunity to talk about the history of the relationship, current difficulties, and what changes they need to make to be understood and noticed by their partner in order to feel good about the relationship. The length of therapy depends on the severity of the conflicts, the history of the relationship and the commitment of both parties. Sessions in couple's therapy are usually held once a week or once every two weeks, depending on the need.
During the conversation, the therapist helps to name the problem, better understand each other's reactions and the patterns that lead to conflicts. Together with the couple, the goals of the therapy are set - it may be to improve communication, rebuild closeness, build trust, better handle crises or make important decisions about the future.
Therapy is not about finding "blame," but about understanding what is going on in the relationship and what each partner can do to make it better. It's a safe place to learn to listen actively, use "I" messages to express your feelings, emotions, and learn new ways of being with each other based on trust and honesty.
Thanks to the list of specific needs, the couple stops focusing on resentments and grievances and instead discovers what each person needs and what steps can be taken to make them fulfilled. Sometimes just becoming aware of a need is already a step to building greater self-awareness.
J Gottman, a family therapist, pointed to four destructive communication styles that strongly increase the risk of relationship breakdown: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and withdrawal.
1. criticism (not to be confused with a specific complaint)
Generalizations like "You always...", "You never...".
Attack on the person, not on behavior: "You are selfish/lazy," instead of "It angers me that...".
Labeling, attributing bad intentions: "You're doing it on purpose to upset me."
Healthy alternative: the "I" message - describing your feelings and a specific situation, e.g., "I feel unimportant when you are late and don't let me know."
2. contempt (the most toxic rider)
How to recognize:
Taunting, irony, sarcasm, ridiculing a partner.
Name-calling, demeaning comments ("You're pathetic," "What an idiotic idea").
Body language: rolling eyes, contemptuous smiles, sighing with superiority.
"I am above you" climate, moral/intellectual superiority.
Healthy alternative: consciously building respect and admiration - practicing gratitude, reminding myself what I appreciate my partner for, sharing it out loud voice.
3. Defensiveness (defensive posture)
How to recognize:
Immediate explanation ("It's not my fault..."), instead of listening.
Counterattack: responding attack to a partner's complaint.
Shifting responsibility to Others ("If you... then I would...").
The difficulty of admitting even a bit of responsibility on their side.
Healthy alternative: taking some responsibility, however minimal ("You're right, I could have called", "I did indeed react sharply").
4 Withdrawal /. Closing in on oneself
How to recognize:
Silence, "wall," lack of Response during the conflict.
Avoiding eye contact, Mechanical "aha," "mhm."
Escaping physically or Psychological: leaving the room, disappearing into the phone, "switching off."
Inside often very high level of tension, but on the outside - coldness, indifference.
Healthy alternative: regulating emotions and clearly communicating the break - e.g., "I'm very tense right now, I need 20 minutes to calm down, we'll come back to it."
In the book "7 principles of a successful marriage " J Gottman focuses on seven key principles, that enhance friendship communication and conflict resolution in a couple.
Providing examples and exercises, he recommends:
Update your love maps - Keep abreast of your partner's inner world: what he is experiencing, what he is afraid of, what he or she is dreaming about, what is important right now.
Nurture affection and admiration - Consciously maintain respect and appreciation, instead of focusing on flaws and resentments.
Turn towards each other - Respond to small "calls for attention" (word, gesture, text message), building a a sense of being together rather than side by side.
Give in to your influences - treat each other as a team: take a partner's perspective, negotiate rather than fight for power.
Solve the problems that can be solved - Use gentle conversation starters, corrective signals, look for concrete compromises.
Overcome impasses in "unsolvable" conflicts - Instead of "winning," try to understand the dreams and values underneath the differences and find ways to coexist with them.
Create shared meaning - Build your "couple's culture": rituals, traditions, shared goals and a the story of who you are as "we."
If You feel that you are stuck in repeated arguments, have grown distant from each other each other or you are facing an important turn in your relationship - meeting together with a therapist can be an important step toward change. It is important that both partners want to work on the relationship.
Compiled by : CPP Based on books:
7 rules of a successful marriage J M Gottman , Nan Silver. Jagiellonian University Publishing,
10 ways, That will help fix our marriage J.M Gottman, J Schwartz Gottman Joan DeClaire. Media Family Publishing
